Citizen Crane’s blog

Just One Example of a Useless Congress

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:02:21 -0400

HANG 'EM HIGH! It's time for the American people to take Her back.

Did you know that Congress has NEVER approved the war in Iraq? That's
Congress's job! It passed legislation that allowed Bush to decide whether
or not American would go to war. Congress transferred a primary
congressional duty from the Legislative Branch to the Executive Branch,
which is kind of like saying, "Hey, let's have a king!"

"The draft is a totalitarian institution based on the idea that the
government owns you and can dispose of your life as it wishes." - Ron
Paul, The Revolution: A Manifesto

"A draft is far more typical of totalitarian nations than of democratic
nations, and is absolutely opposed to the principles of individual liberty
which have always been considered a part of American democracy." -
Republican Senator Robert Taft

"Military conscription rests on the assumption that your kids belong to
the state." - President Ronald Reagan

My son will probably end up knowing the Constitution of the United States
of America (note: United STATES of America, not Federal Government of
American Continent below Canada) by heart, and I hope to instill in him an
understanding of the fact that without this document we are not free, and
that when a government is allowed to "reinterpret" such a document, we
loose our freedom.

Of course, I also hope to instill in him an understanding of the idea that
governments and nations come and go, but the interdependence and the
interconnectedness of all living things is unending. I want him to be
able to see the Big Picture.

Anyway, yes, if there's a draft, we're going to vanish.

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The Source's Communique

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:31:51 -0400

Shortly after I wrote the entry regarding my feeling that something
significant is going to happen and that I have a part to play in it, S, R,
and I spent the weekend "cat sitting" for S's parents. We played house.

I decided to contact the Source and retrieve information through the deck
of cards S gave to me. It's the wonderful Gothic Tarot of Vampires.
They're the only cards I've ever been able to communicate with, and I
don't mean this Tarot. I mean S's deck. The images seem to almost move
for me.

I don't remember if I asked a question or simply held the cards while
experiencing my confusion and longing about the situation. Either way, I
shuffled and drew the first card that seemed to want to be drawn. This
image was... and still is as I look at it now... a very big message. I'm
not certain what the message is, though. I do know that when I consider
the image, an emotion bursts in my chest of longing, trepidation,
excitement, resilience... I understand that this image has a lot to tell
me but I'm having a tough time deciphering it.

I also couldn't tell where the card belonged in a three-card spread, so I
placed it at the top of the pillow that was on my lap.

So, I asked for clarification and expansion. "Please clarify and expand
upon this card."

I drew the next card and I drew the image of a woman (gender is only
relevant if the message says it is) on her knees in a beam of light, her
hands cupped, looking upward while she cries tears of blood. At first I
couldn't decide if this refered to my longing and feeling of being lost
while I beg for answers, or if it's post-significant event - have I lost
something? am I repenting? am I frightened? So I placed the card on the
pillow on the lower right side.

"Please clarify and expand upon this card."

I pulled the next card and it was immediately apparant that I would be
experiencing significant conflict, something dangerous and important. But
it doesn't tell me against whom. I see a vampire about to rage against
three men with guns, and there is a woman on the ground behind the
vampire, but whether he is protecting her from the men or keeping her from
the men is unclear. It says to me that I will be the one standing alone
and that something or someone, a life or a future, will depend on my
success or failure. I still don't know what I'll be facing.

So it occurs to me that the first card in combination with the second card
means that I've been lost and confused, begging for answers or signs of
any sort and that I will have to find my resolve, choose my weapon, and
learn to be still and in control of myself while I await my moment. I
will also have to be this way while I'm being... hunted? chased? That's
what it looks like. Or just be resilient, still, in control, choose my
weapon, find my resolve in the face of those who don't understand or
believe... that seems more likely.

Then the card with the confrontation.... there will be one, it will be
significant, and only I can do it.

Here's the catch, though. The first card moves to the last place, after
the conflict. It plays two roles in this communique with the Source.

After the confrontation, I have lost something important and am devastated
and pleading for it back, or I kill myself; or I am rewarded with
something so wonderful that I am in tearful awe of it. That would be the
very distant future, I imagine.

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Holosync

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:45:36 -0400

My manager and I are good friends. Last year he copied a CD he bought
from something called the Centerpointe Research Institute. It's called
The Holosync Solution. It triggers specific brainwaves depending on which
track or disc you're listening to.

DO NOT listen to The Dive unless you are laying down with your eyes
closed. The first time I did it, I was laying down, my eyes were closed,
and I went Astral. That was good. Today I was listening to it while I
was working and after a while I noticed that I had become very tense and
was continuing to do so until it hurt. So I turned it off and I felt
better.

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Usual payday franticness.

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:44:43 -0400

I think I'll just keep this open and write in it throughout the work day,
then post it when it's time to go home.

I've been questioning whether I took my medicine this morning because I've
been feeling anxious all day. I know I took it, I remember doing it.
Which means the anxiety is caused by something else. And considering my
desires today, I think I know what it is.

All day I've been wanting to stroll around somewhere, watch things, and
relax. Like what you'd do at a faire or something of that nature. I feel
like not worrying about everything all of the time. However, as it is
with every payday, so it is with this payday: I try and try to work out a
budget but I can't get S to understand that he shouldn't be driving
anywhere in the SUV no matter how much he wants to leave the house during
the day.

But mostly I can't understand why, when I'm the one working, I can't bring
myself to set aside money for myself. Whether it's to save for something
I want or might want in the future, or to spend at my leisure, I can't put
away $30 a paycheck or whatever just for myself. I hate it! I'm fucking
trapped! S shouldn't know everything I make! But he does! He knows how
much net income I make bi-weekly with and without overtime. That's not
right! I should never have told him! Because if I do take some money and
keep it for myself, he'll know, and ask me about it, and I shouldn't have
to justify it! I've been doing without for a really long time! I never
buy anything for myself but produce, cereal, almond milk, hummus, and
razors.

He's going to have to start using my mom's car during the day or
something. And he needs to get a job. He doesn't want to apply to the
movie theatre up the road because he doesn't want to work for Regal. Regal
bought out United Artists back when S was working in the theatre business
and so Regal is the enemy. Personally, I think that FEEDING OUR SON is
more important than what company you *temporarily* work for. He won't be
there forever. It's a job for right now, that's all. The rockin'
warehouse night job with benefits in NJ with his friend is too far away.
We can't afford that kind of gas. Even though my dad said he'd watch R
between the time I leave in the morning and the time my mom gets home in
the morning (she would get home before S), it's an hour away over the
bridge in morning rush hour traffic. He doesn't want to work in a
bookstore because of some shit that doesn't mean anything when it comes to
having a job right now and feeding us right now and saving to get out on
our own right now.

Okay, it's been a couple of hours since I wrote the above. And I honestly
don't mind him using money for stuff. Caring for a baby all day *is* a
job, I know this. He deserves to have some things that make him happy,
like fast food, a comic book here or there, cherry soda from WaWa.

I'm just so frustrated that I don't get to buy anything stupid. I was
Salvia. I want the book that teaches me how to open my own bookstore. I
want the book that talks about Salvia and shamanism. I want stem cell
nutritional supplements. Actually, I need those things. For spiritual
and physical health, and to know that I've made a step toward my future
(the bookstore). Whatever. I'd be fine with a morning to myself in the
park. I would go there and crack open the windows, lock the doors, and
sleep without worrying about being woken up.

I'm so tired. Ugh.

I just told S about two places nearby that are hiring. I hope he applies.
I don't want to be that type of person who threatens to kick him out if
he doesn't get a job. Besides, I know he wants to work. He needs to get
out of the house, away from R, be around adults, feel that he's helping to
support his family. He isn't being a bum. Still, although it's the
condition of the job market that is to blame for his unemployment, I can't
help but feel frustrated.

Now that I've got it all out, I can let it go and be okay with these
things that I can't control. It's okay if he isn't working right now
because the market is poor. It's okay that he needs to buy a few minor
things to brighten up his week. It's okay. Because I love him.

I'm not one for wishful thinking. Desire causes suffering, this I know.
However, if his parents had just been decent and sane for a MOMENT and
kept their word, he wouldn't be in this situation. They promised him that
if he graduated high school, they would help him pay for college. They
also promised something about trade school and reneged on that, too.
Shitheads. Okay, I've spent enough energy right there worrying about
something that can't be changed and people who are not worth my time.

In other news, R is now holding things with both hands and bringing them
to his mouth! He is 5 months and 1 week old. And I asked my mother and S
to start feeding R cereal during the day because he needs to start solids,
but they keep coming up with lame excuses as to why they haven't done it
yet. My mom said last night that she didn't do it yesterday because she
wanted to wait for me to get home. IF I THOUGHT THAT WAS OKAY I WOULD NOT
HAVE ASKED YOU TO DO IT DURING THE DAY!!!! She said she doesn't
understand why cereal would make him wired. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY!!! IT
MATTERS THAT IT ***DOES*** AND THAT'S WHY HE NEEDS TO EAT IT DURING THE
DAY!!!!

So, I told S on the phone today that he can put R in his carseat and feed
him that way.

Back to my original topic: this feeling of... something. It's calling
again. I'm supposed to do spellwork. I'm supposed to do energy work.
There's no time and no place for it in my life right now.

Back to work. I'm working late and have much to catch up on.

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My first Mother's Day, and so on.

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:07:40 -0400

My first Mother's Day was very nice. My youngest sister, grandmother,
aunt, cousin and his son came over to have dinner with the seven of us. I
have pictures of R with his great-grandmother and my dad. I have one of R
with my cousin, but I need to take more when I see him again because it
was in front of a window and they look like silhouettes. I can't believe
of I have no pictures of my cousin's 2-year-old son, J. And the worst is
that I have no pictures of my son and me on my first Mother's Day.

Dinner was wonderful. My mom made chicken, peas, carrots, and biscuits in
gravy, with mashed Yukon Gold potatoes and salad on the side. Then we had
birthday cake to celebrate my middle sister's 25th birthday, which was
Wednesday. I wrote "Happy Birthday" on it with icing markers that are
really supposed to be used on hardened cookie icing. I wish I had taken a
picture of that, too. It was all-together a great day.

S let me take a nap for an hour or two, even though he cares for R while
I'm at work all week. He gave me a cute, funny card and let me take a
long shower. And he did the dishes for me! He asked me to help him and I
said no, no. When I grudgingly gave in, I put the already clean dishes
away while he started washing what was in the sink. When I came in to do
my half, he was almost finished! He said he just wanted to see if I would
go that extra step to agree to help him. I told him that even though I
hadn't wanted to at first, I thought about it and decided it might be nice
to be alone in the kitchen, helping each other.

He just hung up on me, though. I told him I needed the info for the eye
doctor so I could make R's appt. He said he might not have it anymore. I
told him that I would expect him to have it since *he* was supposed to
make the appt *weeks* ago! He said he couldn't talk (is busy fixing the
laptop, he thinks the ISP's been hacked) and hung up. Honestly, if R
needs glasses, he needs them asap!

R has bruises on his hands and we think they're from the plastic rings he
plays with. Which might mean that he has an iron deficiency.

I spent a lot of time these past two days talking with lawyers. I'm
filing for Chapter 7 and I'm going to tell Toyota to come get the Kia.
$500/month is ridiculous. Today I called the phone number, given to me by
the lawyer's office, that one calls for a free credit report once a year
from 3 different agencies. I also have gathered my pay stubs from the
last six months. I have one copy of every bill/debt I know of. And I
have to use $200 from our apartment savings - the $900 the government gave
R and myself to consume nonsense to boost the economy. The bank took it's
$67 out of that (which was in a savings share) to pay for the amount I was
overdrawn from last week. And S is going to need $50 from it for dental
work tomorrow.

I'll be able to return $115 to the apartment fund from this paycheck, but
the $200 deposit for the bankruptcy lawyer will have to be replaced in
increments from subsequent paychecks.

My mom bought us a bunch of bottles of baby formula. That was awesome.
She said R seems to do better with the prepared formula than he does
eating the powdered formula. I wouldn't know, since I'm not there during
the day. I really hope S and my mom started R on rice cereal today like I
asked them to. And if so, I really hope they continue for the next week
or two, so that I can begin to introduce vegetables into his diet.

Still trying to lose weight. I think I'm at a pants size 12 now, because
my 10's make my belly squeeze over the top. 12 is twice my goal but it's
better than the 16 I was when I was pregnant! Unfortunately, I've been
craving TastyKlair pies and jelly fruits lately. It's that time.

Oh, well. Back to work. I have a lot of it to do. It's a good think I'm
working late.

And I want to eat my orange.

Hasta la vista.

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Ron Paul March!!!!

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:56:17 -0400

The Ron Paul march on Washington, D.C. is now officially scheduled for
July 12th.

I need to call my neighbor about watching R. I'll have to get E a really
nice birthday gift.

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My psych is right but I can't justify to my family....

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:56:13 -0400

...or to S that I need "me" time.

I just spoke to my psychiatrist who is treating me for a study during my
post-partum period (which typically last about 6 months). I was supposed
to see her today, but I didn't have the four and a half dollars for
parking.

Cymbalta 60mg, 2x/day has brought me back to being myself. Yay! But I
feel something else beneath it. She told me that the underlying
depression I'm feeling is not necessarily seperate, but that it will take
2-3 months to feel the full effects of the current dosage. That's cool.

She thinks that I am not only taking on too much but that too much is
being expected of me. Myself, my fiance, my infant son, my sister, her
4-year-old son, my father, my mother, and a 7-month-old puppy - we all
live together. And it may as well be in a yellow submarine. Even if you
aren't a person who is sensitive to energy, or is not aware that you are,
you would notice the chaos and tension in the air as soon as you walked
through our front door. My youngest sister rarely visits because of this.

S and I are always arguing in the house. But once we're out, whether we
have R with us or not, we're as in love as though it's the first 6 months
of our relationship again. It's a very oppressive feeling to know that
everything you decide to do will be scrutinized by family. My sister is
such a judge, it's sad. Especially when I've managed to eliminate judging
almost entirely (except when S gets me wrapped up in judging, since he
can't let it go - he just loves his categories and labels).

But I mean, everything from how much money we spend on gas, formula, food,
and fun, to how we cope with a crying or wakeful infant, to when and where
we do our laundry, to when and who does what chores, etc. She also uses
our requests for her to sit R as power and punishment, as if she's
teaching us a lesson or getting back at one of us for something if she
says 'no.'

And then there's my father, whom I love dearly and look up to. He has
seasonal depression during the winter months, and during spring and summer
when he's at his best, he's a pessimist's party pooper. For example, if
an optimist's glass is half full and a pessimist's glass is half empty, my
father's glass is half full... of vinegar. So you can imagine how bad he
can be at times. He has plenty of... character traits... that might not
be so much of a problem with a therapist's guidance, but you can't tell
him that. He will tell us something that might help us, or something we
might be interested in, and then tell us that it would probably fail or
that we would be gipped out of it or something like that. He's just one
big Sigh.

My mother's wonderful. I'm very much like her ;) She has a silly,
British-dry, original SNL cast sense of humor with facial expressions and
eye movements so subtle that it isn't until after you react that you
wonder how you understood her because you don't remember her having a
reaction to whatever. She was chief cook and bottle washer from the age
of sixteen, which was when her mother died, until she entered nursing
school in her twenties. So, no sympathy comes from her when I spend all
day at work, come home to a house of chaos and tension, S hands me R and
disappears to play video games and never again until the next morning
cares for R, and K (sis) is bitching me out for never doing dishes or
washing or storing the towels and S is bitching me out for never washing
bottles or going to the laundromat or folding the clothes like I said. So
I feed R about twice before he falls asleep, then put him down and pick
him up again when he realizes he's not on my chest about three times
before he's out for the night. Then, I might not be too tired for a
shower, but usually am. So, I don't read or check e-mail or look anything
up online before hitting the pillow. All this while we're flat broke
without money for gas, co-pays, prescriptions, food (that's another
story), or formula - let alone simple day trips.

Then of course I feel guilty that when I get home I can't play with my
nephew, since I'm the only one in that house who has the stamina AND
desire to take him outside to play for a decent length of time. My dad
wants to but is too tired. My mom has to go to bed because she works at
night. K comes home at 6pm and has chores to get done. S has been caring
for R all day.

All I can say is that despite all of that, and the fact that K takes up
all of the fridge and freezer room, and we can't cook because we can't
store ingredients and it's a chaotic kitchen - they aren't charging us
anything to stay there.

I eat Ezekiel cereal and almond milk for breakfast, basic fruit salad for
lunch, and usually carrots and hummus with vegetable juice for dinner.
I've dropped 4 dress sizes in three months. The only things I buy that
are expensive are my bottles of Kombucha. S didn't get the chance to buy
any food this past pay period before the money was gone. I'm hoping
neither of us spends more than $40 each. Then of course things like
prescriptions, appointment copays, cigarettes, gas, car maintenance, etc.

I don't know what R is supposed to be doing or what I'm supposed to be
doing with or for him because I never get a chance to read The Book or
check The Websites about that stuff. I've been on the same pages of five
different books on various subjects for three months. I have an idea for
making some extra cash but don't have the money for the one simple art
supply or the time to design the things I'd like to make. I don't have
time to learn about saving for our future, or opening a book store.
I don't have time to do AB CRUNCHES, for crying out loud! I don't get to
use facial cream or clip my nails most nights. I don't even get to play
the video game I bought on the XBox I bought with some of my tax return
money. I could have saved that money for an apartment. But probably not
since the Grand we DID have saved is gone because everything costs so
much.
We now have ZERO dollars saved. We're negative $13. S still hasn't found
a job. The one that sent him for the drug test never got back to him and
the one he could get at night is an hour away in the next state, so gas
and toll would really add up. I've been working on a scarf for S for over
two years now. I can't meditate or do spellwork or anything I need to do
for my soul.

The psychiatrist says she doesn't know how I'm holding on and that I need
to find some time for myself every day. I asked her if sleep counts and
she said no. But I won't complain aloud. Then I'd be weak, needy,
pathetic, melodramatic. I just need to suck it up for the rest of my
destitute, dream-shattered life.
Don't get me wrong - this isn't my son's fault. I'm ecstatic that I'm a
mommy! I love him so much and I'm so glad he's in my life! I just...
could use a little understanding and assistance sometimes. It isn't
anyone's fault, really. I chose this path and I'll stick to it. I know
from experience that it gets a little easier when they don't need to be
held all of the time. But he's still small, so when he's awake, he needs
to be held to be able to interact.

Well, anyway. I learned a long time ago to accept people for who they
are, to accept my family members, and to love them for who they are. So,
it took a while for me to see how much stress they were causing in my life
and on my relationship. I hadn't realized for a while that whenever I
made a decision regarding our son, myself, and/or S, I was taking into
account what my family might think. That isn't like me, either. I
learned a long time ago not to be bothered by what other people think.
Don't judge yourself and don't feel judged because chances are everyone
else is either too busy judging themselves to judge you or they are only
judging you to feel better about how harshly they judge themselves. I
consider advice, sure. I consider what people say when it's obvious
they're interested in what's best for me and when they constructive
criticism. But I don't usually worry about how I look or seem or sound.

I've lost my train of thought so I'll stop there.

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So many people have had their fire doused by society. But this guy's on our side.

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:59:10 -0400

I am 28 years old. For as long as I can remember I've been told that this
is my community, my country, my government, my world. I've been told that
I am the future. I share Ghandi's belief that you are the change you want
to see in the world. And I know that everyone has been told these things.

I know that most of the people I grew up with and spent time around in my
early adult life, up until now, have the same basic beliefs about the
United States' policy and political issues.

And I know that eventually we're all crushed by the seeming futility of
fighting something that is so big, so powerful, and so out of control.

I just want those people to know that all of the anger of our youth was
not for nothing. I want them to know that all of the helplessness we felt
when we realized that the problems were too large for us to change was not
in vain. I want everyone to know that when we thought the government
wasn't listening because we were 'just kids' or were too 'unorganized,'
they were actually keeping a close eye on us because they *fear* us.

Government is full of old fat cats who fear, above all, their own fates
(the fate they share with all living creatures), and the only way they
know how to fool themselves into thinking that they are fighting that
fear, or even escaping it, is to hold on, with everything they have, to
POWER. Power over people of all ages, power over an economy, power over
media, power over military. In order to make themselves feel important
and secure and far from death, they do anything they can to remain in
control of everything that is fleeting. That power makes them feel secure
because the youth are a threat to them, because the youth represent
change. Young people represent the future; a future in which those old
fat cats will have to face their fate and lose everything, and admit that
it's all fleeting. They refuse to accept the fact that all things change.

I want everyone who believes as I do, who sees what I see, who knows what
I know, to know that there is someone 'on the inside' who thinks the way
we have thought since we became teenagers, and the way today's teenagers
think - the way everyone who never let go of the anger of their youth
thinks. There *is* someone on our side, and he is *not* backing down.

He has been censored, ignored, and turned away from by the media. But he
hasn't been discouraged because he knows how powerful the voices of our
generation and our parents' generation are. He knows we are passionate
and that we care, and he knows that we can spread word like wildfire.

His name is Doctor Ron Paul. I will not preach to you about his
accomplishments. I've said my piece. If you're interested, visit this
website:

www.ronpaul2008.com

I hope you find what you're looking for.

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Why do I need it? Something must me coming.

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:34:32 -0400

I need it. There's nothing romantic or dangerous about it. Very simply,
I need it. I only started to think about it Monday (4.21.08). I have to
find time to check world news headlines, religious news headlines,
astronomical and astrological events and conspiracy theory sites. I may
find a clue there. Something's happening right now, or is about to happen
soon. I'm somehow connected to it. Maybe I was supposed to be there when
it happened or am supposed to be there when it eventually happens. Maybe
whatever it is will effect or has effected me or my future. Maybe not.
Whatever it is, the feeling is... excitement, longing, wariness, dread,
adrenaline, viciousness, defend and protect. I feel like Tiger: pace,
watch; pace, watch. And the lust. The lust for "it," for energy, for
sex, for violence... It's growing. I must find a way to hold onto those
I love, to fulfill my responsibilities to them and enjoy life with them,
while keeping an eye, an ear, a tooth on this other thing.

What is it? Who are you? When?

I have four on which I can call to my side. Tiger and Crane, of course. I
feel the need to keep the other two hidden until our relationships are
more stable.

You, reading this - stop that thought. I long to be delusional and
self-important. That isn't the case, I'm afraid. Very.

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Lost and confused... This is not my world.

nobody@vox.com(Citizen Crane) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:34:34 -0400

"This is not my world." That's what S always says. He says he
doesn't understand this world and that he belongs in an earlier time.

This is not my world, either. If I had one, I was sent away. Either as
punishment or for a purpose, but I was 'cast out.' Not from a biblical
heaven, no. I don't subscribe to the belief that there is a heaven-like
place or a hell-like place hereafter, pushing everything and everyone
around like chess pieces. [Hell is commonly described, in most religions/cultures, as being a place of fear, pain, unhappiness, suffering, war. This 'reality' of society that we are stumbling around in RIGHT NOW is exactly those things. Read don Miguel Ruiz's book, 'The Four Agreements' for more.]

No, I believe our spirits live multiple lifetimes in order to learn and to
evolve. I believe in an all-encompassing, all-pervasive, unifying Source
of Life Energy. I believe that we're born, we die, we review our past
lives and the life we just finished, we are shown our progress, and we are
re-born to work on certain things.

I'm not like everyone else. S is the closest I've found to being
like myself. I can't see what others see. I don't hear what others hear.
I'm not satisfied with the things they want. My priorities are so vastly
different from everyone's that I've never divulged them to anyone. I've
told people my priorities as closely to truthful as I can without being
shunned.

My desires run deep and hard, and are not acceptable by anyone's standards
(that I know of) but they still aren't 'perverse' or 'criminal' or really
hurtful to anyone. They're just... dark.

I also have a tendency toward... not toward hope. Hopes are desires are
suffering. I tend toward... I just somehow know that it's never so bad as
people make it. There's always a way. I can't always see the way, but I
always know it's there.

I understand children like others don't. I know how to respect them and
talk to them. I'm an empath in situations that aren't part of my daily
routine. I feel trees, rocks, and water.

I'm caught 'in-between.' I'm balanced between light and dark. My light
side and my dark side live in perfect harmony and rarely contradict one
another through my actions. I feel my strength in both, and I accept and
utilize both.

I love sleeping. True Reality is when our spirits travel while we sleep.

I am most comfortable watching. I don't know why. I don't even know what
I'm watching for. But there are times when I'm drawn to certain areas or
situations just to watch. I'm not there to learn, really. It's more like
I'm waiting for something or someone, but I won't know what or whom until
I see them. The image of myself in a high place appeals to me greatly,
just watching, waiting, in the wind. Which is odd because I've always
been a little afraid of heights (one of only two fears I have).

I feel most comfortable in fog and mist, under running water, in the
branches of trees, on a mountain cliff or rooftop, or with my hands around
rocks either climbing or simply holding them.

Most disturbingly, I feel pulled. More than following my instincts or
paying attention to signs and feelings (all of which I do), more than
feeling pulled toward areas around me. I feel pulled to entirely
different places in the world. Sometimes. But most of the time... I feel
pulled... ...away, I think. I feel empty and alone and severed from
something or somewhere, I feel discarded and sometimes punished, sometimes
longing to return, sometimes as though I'm doing a job or duty that I wish
I hadn't been assigned to or raised my hand for.

I feel as though I'm standing still amidst a blur of desires, intentions,
and emotions I can't comprehend which belong to creatures I don't know or
understand, and can no long pretend to be like. I long to flee, but am
either unable or not permitted to.

Sometimes.... if I could just run or be alone for a day.... but everyone
always has to know where I am and I'm not allowed out alone after dark.
I'm 28 years old. I have a fiance and an infant. I'm so lost.

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