I go through the days...

I go through the days and things happen and I have emotions.  And I think of blogging these things.  And when I sit down to type, I have nothing to say.  Because if I sit down to type, that means I have a moment of quiet while the baby is asleep and my fiance is not on the computer.  And at those times I am feeling relaxed and as though everything is just fine.  But let me make an attempt.

Saturday night S. and I went to Shadowland @ Ulana's.  It's a Goth night.  If you were to try to categorize me based on my personality, interests, or style you would have a hard time of it.  I'm gray.  That means that I am able to balance my light and dark aspects and function with them both active.  Part of me might be considered 'goth.'  I like 'goth' music and I like some 'goth' styles.  I like 'freaky' sex... a lot.  S. proclaimed his love for me at the Waterfront after our first night at Ulana's together.  The majority of people who frequent Shadowland nights are adults and are not interested in drama.  We enjoy the music and when I am fit we enjoy dancing.  So, we attend.

This past Saturday at Shadowland S. was approached by multiple girls who knew that he was with someone.  The same someone he is always with: Myself.  If these girls hadn't known that he was spoken for, I wouldn't have minded.  I find such things to be flattering to myself and I know that S. feels flattered by them.  However, coming on to a man whom you know to be spoken for is disrespectful and disrespect makes me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  I get obsessed.  I stare them down while I'm showering S. with affection.  I make it known in obvious ways that he is with me.  This way, I know that they know and if they try it again, I have to qualms about approaching them.  And in-between meetings I track these people down on-line, I find out their names from the people they know.  I may not do anything to them, but at least I feel secure knowing that I know more about them than they know about me.

S. assumed that, during one encounter, I knew what was going on.  No, I didn't know that when 'Candy' from Delaware County was talking to us (while we were leaning against each other and holding hands) she was rubbing her tits and crotch on S.  If I see her again, I will most certainly tell her that her behavior was not acceptable or appreciated and to please show some respect for us and for herself in the future.

I told S. the next day that I hope he would have enough respect for me from now on to tell me about come-ons when they happen.  I told him that the best way to handle it is this:  When one of the little girls walks into the room that we are in after they have come on to him, he should be obvious in pointing her out to me, and I will be obvious in pointing to her as if to say, "Her!?! You're kidding!" and he will nod vigorously, and I will then look at her and laugh and he should join in.  Done.  No confrontation needed.

Recently I've discovered that when S. makes a decision that he knows to be best but believes his friends or family would ridicule him for, he blames it on me.  He blamed me to his brother when he sold something I bought him because we needed the money.  He told his friend L. (whom I messaged to say that she'll just have to 'run away' alone and not to trip after multiple phone calls asking him to 'run away' with her on Wednesday night to Nocturne, another Goth night, after he went with her last Wednesday because he had promised her two years ago to take her to the bar area of that club after she turned 21 and when they were there she skirted around the subject of them and hinted to the fact that she still like him and he made it clear that he's with me because of me and not because their relationship failed) that I think for some reason that that will be the only time he goes to the club with her and without me.  I think this because he *told* me that the clubs aren't fun without me (as it should be) and because we talked a year ago about it and he said that we shouldn't really go to clubs without each other, it seems wrong.

I am not happy about being used as an excuse because he doesn't have the guts to defend his decisions or show his true self.

S has decided that he doesn't want to be a police officer.  We had planned on him getting into Philly PD and staying for a few years, then moving to a small town somewhere so that he could be a cop there (with three years as a cop in Philly on his resume, he could get in anywhere almost) and I could take a part-time job at a bookstore to learn what I need to, and eventually open my own.  In the meantime I would be homeschooling R. or at least spending more time with him and we would be able to teach him the truth about what schools would be teaching him because I'd have time to research it.  And with my own bookstore, R. could do his homework there.  And S. could take online or night courses for film making or anything he likes so that he could have his own dream job eventually.  But while he was a cop we would have healthcare for all three of us and I could stay on my much-needed meds.

I don't mind at all that he doesn't want to be a cop.  That means he's in our life a while longer.  I want him to do whatever he wants to do.  I want him to be happy.  I just wish we could be happy with enough money for our own apartment and to feed all of us and educate the two of them and keep me medicated.  I guess this opens us up to moving out of my parents house and straight to wherever we want to go once we have the money saved.  If I can get a city job at a utility company wherever we move to, that would be best.  I wish we could get our shit together.  He's losing it here.  And our relationship is suffering.

It's difficult to appreciate what one has and to live in the moment (this moment is all there really is) when one must make plans to start a life to be happy in the future.  Plans that will undoubtedly change or fail.  I have no problem working around changes and failures.  But we have a child to worry about now and that's scary.

I'm worried that we won't be able to get married anytime soon.  I'll have to take a day off to get the papers and another day off a week later to get married and I've already used up more than half of this year's vacation time for sickness of either myself, S., or R.  We've decided to get interim rings in silver because it's more affordable.

There must be a way to make money and live, too.

I'm going to try doing art on packing tags as bookmarks and selling them.

S. just was hired at a mall as security.  He's been in security for years.  I'm happy for him.  He needs to work.

Part of me wishes I could quit my job and stay home with R. because I'm good at it and because I could work on my spiritual pursuits while planning to start a business.  Another part of me appreciates being able to go to work every day (even to a job I hate doing with people I don't understand and who don't understand me in a cubicle with no fresh air or sunlight).

There, I've blogged.  It must be the hydrocodone.  My tooth might be infected again.  It shouldn't have been hurting like that again.  Oh well.  I hope this energy wears off very soon.  I have work in the morning.  I hope R. sleeps through the night.  He took three long naps today.

That is all.