Excuses, Money, and Fed up.

I don't understand why S. can manage to get to a mall that's half an hour
away and walk around bookstores during the day, but he can't get to the
laundromat or clean the room or do some of our shopping. I hate having to
work all day and then come home to wash dishes and bottles, need to get to
the laundromat but be unable to, and realize that we're going to have to
spend our weekend running errands. I hate shopping. Chores and errands
should be done as soon as possible and as quickly as possible in order to
get them out of the way. Get them over with and you don't have to think
about it.

I just hate this! I spend eight hours a day, five days a week, at a
meaningless job doing meaningless work with people who don't undertand me
and whom I don't understand, and then I have to take the baby when I get
home because his father's had him all day and needs a break. And that's
fine, of course. But then when I take R., S. goes to play video games
upstairs in our room instead of cleaning the room, making the beds,
getting laundry ready for the mat, or making a meal! So, I have to wait
until R. is finished playing with me and is hungry, so I can feed him and
rock him to a nap, then I do all those things myself. Then I have to
figure out how to squeeze in the stationary bike and ab exercises with a
shower (maybe) and some time to relax on the computer or reading a book.
And the shower, computer, and book things usually don't happen. Neither
do the exercising things. But when he understands that I won't be hot
again until I'm consistently doing those exercises, S. should have no
problem letting me do them.

By letting I mean taking R back so I can have the time to do them. Wow, I
just realized that the only time I'm alone is in the car on the way to
work and on the way home, which is also the only time I drive. It's also
the only time I leave the house that isn't to shop or wash clothes. And
since we're so broke we couldn't give a mouse a crumb, shopping doesn't
happen often.

S. was on my back today about the fruit I wanted to buy. I told him that
if he can spend almost $7 a day on fast food (for the calories to gain
weight), then I can spend some money on fruit since all I eat every day is
Ezekiel cereal with almond milk for breakfast, fruit salad for lunch, and
carrots and hummus for dinner. If I don't have one or more of those
things, I don't eat.

I want to let the bank reposess the Kia ($500/mo!) but he says this stupid
thing, "if the kia goes, i go" because it's safe for the baby and has a
warranty. He's always making these stupid (if this happens, i'm leaving
you) threats, like i'm supposed to believe them or something. how could
anyone beleive something like that when he says it as often as a
five-year-old says "it's not fair!"?

He also bitched about spending money on Salvia. I told him I never buy
anything for myself. Not even teas or cigarettes or socks or snacks, so
I'm going to buy this. Besides, we bought him a $50 pair of sneakers last
week because he needed them and because I knew it would make him feel
better....

...I really think I think more about him than he does about me.

He's really worried about what might happen when I smoke/take Salvia, but
I can't keep letting his fears rule me. I'm not afraid and that's all
that matters. I'll post the message I sent through MySpace to a MySpace
profile S. found on the computer under strange circumstances last night.
That should better explain where I'm coming from with this subject.

Shit, we can't even figure out how to afford the basics of living with a
single income of $31,478. And that's while living at my parents' house
with no charge!!!

I don't know how we're going to start a life. I'm ready to sell the XBox
we bought with my tax return. I agreed to it because I knew it'd make him
happy. Ungrateful. Except when he's taking out his anger and violent
feelings on zombies, then I guess he's grateful. I guess I should be,
too.

I got $3,000 back from taxes in February or March and it's all gone. We
tried saving for an apartment, but we needed to pay car and insurance
payments. $300 for insurance every month!

I'm hungry and I want to jump off a cliff.